How to interact with suffering friends

Society doesn’t provide us with much in the way of resources for caring for those who are suffering. Our TV shows tend to either ignore suffering or simply (in reality shows) allow us to—voyeur-like—gaze upon the suffering of another without actually entering into it. There are precious few role models of care for those suffering. Pop psychologists offer a sliver of resources, but again they’re limited by time and attention. We look to the presidents and governors to assuage our pain, but in reality they are—despite their great power—powerless to lift of the pain from our lives.

Sometimes we’re tempted to believe that perhaps suffering isn’t really as pervasive as it might first seem. Perhaps most people go through most of life with relatively few bumps in the road. Maybe suffering is the exception rather than the rule. And, even if it really is widespread isn’t there very little I can do to offer comfort to friends in difficulty? I’m not clergy or a mental health professional. What can I offer?

Suffering is universal. It is all around us.

Pulitzers

We rarely, however, pause and become open to encountering it in the life of another. We may get a brief sense that a friend is suffering, but in our haste to move to the next thing we breeze through a conversation without offering our friend space simply to express the pain, to let some of the suffering move from heart to lips—even for a brief moment of respite.

Despite our society’s messages, there is much each of us can and should do to care for friends who are experiencing suffering.

Every one of us should be able and willing to simply lend a listening, non-judgmental ear. Suffering is a profoundly isolating experience. The only way to let another know about it, which can sometimes offer just the slightest reprieve from the weight, is to talk about it.

Consider this: the moments in which someone recounts to you the greatest sorrow in their life are moments in which that friend is opening his or her soul to you. The pain may be so great that he feels he can do no other, yet it is still true that the very moment of sharing is an intensely vulnerable moment.

In those moments, each of us can either alievate (albeit briefly) another’s suffering or we can increase it. None us would intentionally say something believing that it would increase the suffering of another. Yet, how often do we unconsciously do precisely that?

Broadly, when we have the privilege of speaking with suffering souls—and we’re all suffering souls in various ways—we should avoid speaking of the

 

  1. The secret will of God. I believe firmly in the sovereignty of God and yet I know that God is not the author of sin. Further, I know that I am not privy to what has traditionally been called the secret will of God (in contrast with his revealed will found in Scripture). It is presumptuous of us to speculate about God’s designs moreover it is counterproductive, especially in the moment.
  2. God’s intent for this experience. God may use all things redemptively in the life of the Christian, but the moment of acute anguish is not the right time to point that out. At times, considering that God may have some deeper purpose is comforting. As a general rule, explore this only when the person you’re speaking with seems to be open to exploring it. Each of us has to reach a spot where we’re ready to consider this—moving there prematurely is dangerous.
  3. Causation. “Who sinned, this man or his fathers?” Linking sin and suffering is a natural human impulse that is exhibited in the book of Job. Job’s friends become certain that the anguish in his life has been caused by some offense against God. The reality is that there is no correlation—at least in Job’s case—between sin and suffering. More accurately, the relationship between sin and suffering is broader than 1:1. Suffering exists in the world because of the Fall and sin’s entry into our lived experience. However 1:1 causation is never easily detected.

As you move into this week, you will encounter people in distress; suffering souls who need a shoulder to lean on even if only for a moment. You can make a positive difference in their lives if you will only stop, listen, and allow them to lean on you.

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